It is a strange thing, realizing that I have done NaNo for almost half the years that I've been alive. In college, NaNo ended up linking me to some chaos that really disrupted my life, but also to someone who would eventually become one of my best friends. Post college, NaNo helped to connect me to a group of writers and friends that I wouldn't have met otherwise.
Nano also played a huge role in shaping me as a writer. Admittedly, a lot of what I wrote for it didn't end up going anywhere. But some of my better ideas (some of which I've written out, some of which I intend to someday) have come from NaNo. It's gotten me to write at times when I otherwise wouldn't, and that is always helpful in forming writing skill. I know that my writing style has grown over the years in large part because of NaNoWriMo. So, I know that it has critics and that it's not perfect and that it's certainly not the right path for all writers, but it has helped me specifically to grow and learn as a writer. 10,000 pounds of clay and what not.
This year, my fifteenth year, is the first year I failed to reach 50,000 words. And it was/is really hard on me. I don't think I've fully unpacked its emotional significance to me at this point.
This past year was hard, and this November had its share of obstacles. It's entirely understandable, from a life perspective, that I failed NaNo this year. But it's also a part of a bigger struggle I have been facing.
Even well before November last year, I was having trouble wrestling with my identity as a writer. Writing has gotten hard. I mean, it was always challenging for me, but it still came more easily. The challenge was one of thought, not of effort. But now it's just difficult to muster the energy to work on things. The more beneficial/significant the writing project, the more difficult it is to work on.
I have the first four books of Ruins & Robots written, but I cannot bring myself to work on finishing the edits for book 2.
And when I can work on these (or other authorish things), the experience is much slower than it's been in the past and much less fulfilling. It's always been the case with writing that I know that most of the fulfillment comes later when I can share it with someone, but I don't have much opportunity for that now anyway (something between not being able to get people to read things I've written and not having the opportunity to talk much about said things with people.)
I think partly because of the insufficient fulfillment, and partly because of the lesser emphasis on a finalized/polished product, I've focused more of the creative energy that I have on Gamemaster/RPG stuff. This is far more fulfilling and revitalizing in the present, but I'm also able to do less with this than I was before. Mostly, this is based on my own life/family/schedule/time/etc. Partly, it's based on the schedules/availability of my players. But, even scheduling stuff as frequently as I can, what I'm actually capable of running is more limited by my creative energy/capacities than I once was. That dramatically impacts which systems and the adventures that I can run.
But I am working on things, so that's good. There are two main reasons that I haven't posted about this yet, despite that it was more relevant closer to the end of November. The first is that I wrote out a different version of this note in early December and it came out way more pessimistic/down feeling than I wanted. But the second reason, which is better, is that I've been very focused on another project and haven't wanted to use my limited creative work time on typing up a note.My campaign in The Veil is still going, but I've started working on what I want to do when it's done. What I'm working on is an ambitious project that includes building a setting and world map from scratch, homebrewing up a game system that mechanically matches what I'm looking for, learning enough programming to put together a character building program, and other madness. It will be really cool if I can end up finishing it, but I'm starting to get past the "easy" part of the work, so we'll see how my focus/energy/ability to work on it goes once I'm there. Hopefully I can get it all put together, and hopefully once I do, I'll be able to share some piece of it with you people out here beyond my player group.
But more on that later. All I'll say is that right now I'm calling the campaign "For Great Magic."
Thanks for sharing your experience, Doug! You have certainly had a ton on your plate this past year, and I'm sorry to read that it's impacted your writing. For what it's worth, several of my friends (myself included) have also struggled with finding energy for creative projects as life gets tougher. For myself, I find that the pressures and obligations of life often leave me feeling depleted or depressed, leading me to not feel as able to think as freely and creatively as I used to.
ReplyDeleteI know it's easier said than done, but's so important to not be too tough on yourself. You may not have met a word goal for NaNo this past year, but I'm sure you continued developing your writing skills and pushed yourself regardless. You did your best in the moment, and that's all that you can expect of yourself. It's so easy to compare our abilities to those abilities we had 15 years ago. But that will only hinder our ability to do our best right now.
While this may not be a big consolation, I've come to realize that life has seasons. We may find ourselves struggling more at certain points, and at these points, our creativity will be hindered. It's only natural. However, this doesn't mean that this period won't pass. As life has its ups and downs, so does our writing and creativity. I imagine that what you're struggling with is normal-- especially considering the weight of all that's been on your shoulders.
I know it's painful, and I know it's easier said than done to work on accepting yourself where you are at the moment. But I also know that you are a writer. You are a creative soul and you have so much to share. That's never going to change, even if you feel more hindered during this season. In the meantime, focusing on what fuels you more right now is an excellent idea!
For what it's worth, Brandon and I are always here if you want to talk more about this or anything else on your mind too. Thinking of you!